I won't bother writing about how all girls poo and fart, even VS models. (probably more so, considering their veggie intake..)
I will start with the bubbles. I don't fart, I get bubble. Boys fart. I confess I am a gassy beast. I try not to drink soda, for this reason. If I have soda, there is a time limit on my social activities for that day. Soda means: in 45 min I better be somewhere with large noisy crowds or completely alone. I swell up like Vercua Salt, pinch my ass cheeks together and pray. All hope is abandoned if I am wearing my Industrial Spanks that day.
(for male reader, Spanks are those hideous underwear shorts "curvy" girls like myself, wear under clothes to appear thin)
There are multiple levels of Spanks. I have regular Spanks that just put my rolls in an order that looks more like an hour glass and less like Mulholland Drive. I also have INDUSTRIAL SPANKS, these bad boys are like shrink wrap for fat. They hold fat in ways that make my body lie to you when I'm in a dress. Luckily, I am blessed with a fiance' who likes my body. This is essential. If you meet a guy, and you are wearing I.S.'s and it progresses to the bedroom he is in for a surprise. He will learn two things, 1. That's not what your body looks like. 2. Those are the most horrible looking under clothes in the world.
Girls know you have can look good with clothes on, or you can look good with clothes off. These two side shall never meet if you are more than a size 6.
Industrial Spanks should be given to every female on her 21st birthday. I love them. Unless, I have recently consumed some carbonated beverage or something in cabbage family. If this is the case, the Spanks will show you the error of your ways. They will bind your stomach into a Gordian Knot. You now have the combination of a stomach being constricted, if you sit it all the air gets pushed down. You have just funneled the gas into your lower bowel area. Added bonus. The Spanks are so tight trying to keep your ass jiggle in line, that it holds your butt cheeks together. If you think you are going to let out a delicate tiny squeaker bubble, it will turn into a horrendous ass clapping cacophony of mortifying proportions.
Anyone who has worked in a service industry has perfected the art of the Drive-by Fart. Or, as some like to call it, The Crop Dusting. We have all done it, if you wait on tables, you probably do it to the table of Camels who need a new drink every 4 min. If you work in sales, you probably go "check a price tag" and walk away. You can wait for some unsuspecting customer to walk into that fetid storm cloud. Ideally you should position yourself in an area where you can watch them react to it. It is all fun and games, until a customer strikes back, when that happens we all get offended.
I have had to come to grips with the fact that when I get stressed out, I don't have some healthy or cute method for dealing with it. My stomach feels that the only appropriate method for dealing with stress, is to produce cramps the likes of which you have never seen before. Usually I get a warning before this happens. It's like a count down. My stomach starts to make weird noises. This usually means you have about 15 min. to find a toilet before your bowls boom like Pompeii. This moment is the stress poo's. They suck. I ate Tums like candy during college to no avail.
They are not the as bad as what I like to refer to as the NINJA Poo's.
Ninja poo's come out of fucking NO WHERE. You sitting on the couch watching TV, reading on the computer, and painting your toenails and of the sudden BAM! NINJA ATTACK!!! You end up sprinting to the bathroom wishing you hadn't decided to tie your sleep pants in a double knot. When you are at home, it's not too bad. Unless you are attempting to be seductive to your significant other. There is nothing worse than getting hot and heavy, and having a moment of sheer panic. You know what's about to happen and there is no way to nonchalantly sauntering off for 15 min without explanation. You wish for death.
When the Ninja poo combines with Ass rain, you can just kiss that day goodbye. At that point, you know better than to trust ANYTHING that feels like a bubble.REPEAT DO NOT TRUST THE FART IT IS A LIE. Just grab a box of baby wipes and some Gatorade, it is going to be a long day. Give up on regular toilet paper, your pooper will be so chapped at the end of the day, it will feel like you spent the day doing the doggy ass drag across hot coals laying in a bed of needles. This should only happen rarely, if not you should see a doctor.
With that, I leave you horrified. Enjoy your day.